Painfully Beautiful

It's just one of those moments she wish she never had been that girl.
One of those moments she wish she never existed all along.
One of those moments she wish time would stop ticking and rewind.
One of those moments she wish everything could end happily.
One of those moments.
Just ONE of those god damn moments.


She wish.
And wish.
And wish.


But nothing ever comes true.
Nothing ever happens.
It's just her.
And reality.


THIS. IS. HAPPENING. RIGHT. NOW.


She's falling into memories again.
Six months back today. Exactly half a year ago.
Tonight, one of those nights she feel like crying the night away.
But can't.
The night seems extra lonely, extra dark, dull and bleak.
Why does it have to be this fucking hard?
Why do this girl have to be this fucking weak?


She poured her entire tears and realized.
How unreasonable she was. How unfair she treated others.
Her used-to-be immature thoughts and actions.
Her childishness. Stubbornness. Greediness. Stupidness.
She's never good. Never pretty. She's nothing comparable.
She's tired of trying to figure out, attempting to mend things.
Because it's downright painful when she get no response.


The memories were embedded far too deep that they'd clamped into her heart.
Every memory feels like a stab, a sharp pierce into her heart.
Memories that she had no idea how to erase. Nor to keep.
Her heart continue to bleeds more than ever. She still keep bleeding.
She tried to search for someone whom can mend her broken heart.
But everything leads her back to the past.


Some people wait a lifetime to find their soul mates.. ~


Life is like a never-ending search of perfection. Just when she felt everything were settling down, and she was feeling THIS close to perfect, everything just shattered. Crumbled.
The perfect boyfriend turned out to be not-so-perfect after all.
The perfect relationship ended for no real reason.
The perfect dream shattered by failure.
The perfect her being ripped apart by everything imperfect.


Everything just goes so wrong. After it happened, fallen apart, ripped off.. were the tears she shed worth it all? Is that person, that thing, that incident worth all the pain she forced herself to endure? At times, she tell herself that there are bigger things happening. In fact, take it easy. She have no real reason to be upset. She should be happy instead, smiling, grinning all the way and laughing her ass off. Yet, seconds later, she often finds herself in shambles again. And perhaps there is no real reason why she feel like shit all the time. The only reason she can give - something is missing in her life.


The incomplete puzzle with the missing piece.


The dad was the last person on list that she expected to concern about this matter. He acted cold and silence all this while because he knew her too well. Unlike the mum who constantly reminds on her not-healing wound. He knew how fragile the daughter was, he didn't want to break the remaining pieces left of her tiny heart. He was the only man who knows her deep in.. until today. She was horrified by his questions. Never have she expected those words would came from the dad. Never. He formed up those tears in her eyes right away.


She knows how pathetic, how stupid or even how idiotic she is. What the fuck is she to do? Her heart lies somewhere between despair and melancholy. She wish she could just break out of it but no. Sometimes, she choose to be silly and happy simply because she do not have the courage to accept the harsh and painful reality.
In conclusion, she's just one coward.


Sorry but she's fucking emo.
YES FUCKING EMO though no point for her to be.
It's just one of the FUCKED UP days.

.: She wants to go to him and say only him that she loves :.

She knew perfectly she can only love the one for so long, from so far.