Painlessly.

Sunday is almost over. I'm going through a diagnostic period where my psychiatric illness is deteriorating wildly. I have this feeling of doom every night, I can't see more than a week into my future. Most nights I reach home exhausted, didn't even bother changing and crawl into bed. When I finally have the time to pause for a moment, tears came rolling out involuntarily. I often find myself crying in a corner like any other sick baby. I feel numb. I feel weak. I feel small. I feel so tiny I wished I could step on myself. This classic meltdown has been a pathetic routine.

As I stared out at the foggy evening, nothing really stays don't they? Clouds turning grey, thunder echoing each other, raindrops falling onto everywhere. Today was one of those days when everything felt so right except me. Every morning I wake up thinking, I have to push myself further, I have to prove that I'm stronger, I have to do better than yesterday. Many times I fall flat and get shoot down with no regards. And then I have to start all over again, setting the bar even higher and pushing myself even harder the next day. What is life when every single detail and essence of life itself has been squeezed out into mundane, orderly, stressful, pressured decisions. When will I wake up and live freely?

It's been years. People have started asking already. Why am I still alone?

Because I believe if somethings are meant to be, it will eventually happen. In the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Apparently breaking up had done a lot of pain, it affected me more than I thought it would. I'm glad I took the time to understand myself. I'm glad I took the time to heal. I'm glad I took the time to think what I want. I'm glad I took the time to see and accept how we will never be. I'm glad I took all the time to be able to move on. Definitely sad and disappointed, but I know for a fact that I have accepted everything that has happened in the past and that I never regretted him in my life.

I know I have put the past behind me and really live a little. Neither that, I will not rush a relationship. I know there will be another him somewhere out there for me again. At the time being I'm not sure what to feel having his silly presence on my solitary nights, but I want to be confused with him. :)

Don't go chasing waterfalls.

Happiest 5 days I would ever yearn for! When life only revolves around sleeping, eating, lazing, shopping and hanging out. It's incredible awesome to leave the work affair aside (yes, I freaking avoided my responsibilities) and start living like an ordinary human being. Definitely feels good to be no where near crappy and shitty. Nothing exotic for the holiday but it's purely about the joy of spending quality time with family and friends that made everything worthwhile.

Sometimes I like to think that it is human nature to walk through a job with utter fear and loathing. I hate it when anxiety does not allow me to have any confidence in my abilities and often afraid of messing up. I have serious trouble gauging whether I suffer from a genuine mental disorder or plainly being in the wrong job. But heck, after much chaos and great confusion I agreed to stay on a little longer. Not affected with promotion and increment tho, partly, but I decided to be strong and give another try. Honestly I don't leave because things are hard, but because it's not worth my sacrifices. Oh well, hopefully things turn differently.

At the very least, I wish low stress for the coming days. I needa stop worrying.

Counting down to three (:

No heartstrings attached.

In the midst of sleep deprived and emotionally unsorted. Tough week, very tough week. Not too surprise to be at work on a Sunday, chipping the weekend away in office with a cuppa coffee, Jco doughnuts and replying to more emails. I'm so exhausted that I can't wait to get this campaign out and fricking sleep my ass off. SLEEP MY ASS OFF YOU HEAR THAT. If only there is an easy way out I would die for it.

While everyone out there is busy celebrating the moms, showing love and affections they needed most - I'm stuck typing on this miserable page, listening to miserable songs and revising miserable jobs. Even though my mom won't be reading this (maybe you are reading), I just want to say I love you mommy, for all your selfless sacrifices and love, because I know one day, some way or another, your daughter will make you proud and worthy.

Bunch of stuff to whine about oh boy, next time.