I bite my lip not to scream.

Sometimes on very ordinary days, I would really wish things to end ordinarily. I screwed up horribly, leaving my whole team distraught and struggling in difficulties. When sorry isn't the word to say anymore, the guilt of my life struck. It was a complete disaster that I do not know how to forgive myself to this. If only I know how to mend this awful mistake of mine I wouldn't have been such a let down. The anxiety is cracking me up... I beg for a solution. Please tell me what to do. I'm willing to pay this failure at any cost.

My very, very truly sincere apology to all. Now please save me already.

Talking to the moon.

Off day oh so blissful.

Today I'm feeling quite contented, it's a feeling I haven't felt for a long time. My disappearance since the new year had me realized how much things changed in a short span of life. It was only some weeks ago that I wrote here how awesome my life is transforming but at a certain point now, I doubt how reality is treating me. This January has been difficult, way too difficult that I succumbed to despair many times. Is it just me or how everything else is turning poor? I miss the boys like crazy, it's the least I can do for having such disgustingly great lives.

While I'm wallowing in depression and self deprecation, I have an impulsive thought of quitting what I'm currently doing. Some excruciating pressures that I cannot overcome. Soft feelings that made my heart fluttered so wildly. I'm pretty abnormal already. On a second thought, it's rather impossible to give up such a pleasant opportunity unless the company decided to terminate my employment. Which apparently the ongoing conflicts in our office is driving everyones nerve to an extend. This would be the beginning of all drama I believe.

Sometimes I think I have lost all ability to feel anything except bitter. We often meet people who are just like the blenders, ruthlessly, they cut, chop, dice, slice, whirl and swirl until everything that goes in it comes out as an unrecognizable puree. And because my dad just bought a blender home instead of a cake mixer that I requested, I somehow have this very strange kind of apprehension as I look into the blender. Something very dismal, and one that culminates in this noon of silence.

My mind is whining too much lately, as if the brain had filtered all my thoughts into negative. With CNY approaching, none of our families are celebrating this jolly occasion. Very pessimistic that CNY is not going to be CNY for us this year, then again, it's the Chinese custom that we have to obey anyway. So fairly, I haven't gone for any festive shopping last year end/this year which sums up pathetically. For all I know, I've been wearing jeans to work practically everyday, improper makeups and unkempt hair. Sigh in dire need of a total makeover. I seriously need to stop being low spirits and start fresh!

...what has become a very recognizable circle of emotions

All she knows is the pain.

For some moments in life there are no words. At some point in our lives, much as we know the death is inevitable and that we never prepared to deal with the loss of a loved one. No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear until I witnessed even my headstrong daddy knelled in irrepressible tears. On a large enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero. I didn't let my heart snap when I first stepped into the funeral, I looked away. I avoided the truth laid before my eyes that it is just an ordinary ceremony. It soothed a little but soon reality starts to surface.

When I was a child, cousins and I used to stay along with grandma in the old place. We would play with charcoal and fire in the kitchen, hide and seek in her wooden cupboard, run down the street for sweets and made her buy a trolley of snacks when the breadman comes. She would cook for us every festive dinner without fail. When I was older, she would babysit and pampered me everyday after school until the age of 15. Later when they moved to the current place, my visits became lesser each week. Nevertheless she would still take care of me like I never grew. That's when I realized how I have been taking granted of her, how I never have the chance to pay back what was devoted by this old lady.

It was the last moment that hit me right on the spot. Everyone were in silence prayers when the band arrived with the most cheerful orchestra to send her off. Tears immediately flowed. One by one of the siblings broke down by the coffin. My grandpa struggled in the absence of sound. He yelled at the body violently that they had to pull him away. My heart swelled. I couldn't stop crying. What more when I see my own dad kneeling and weeping in his worst for his dead mother. It leaves a heartache no one can heal. The funeral was truly one saddest day in my life which I never imagined myself going through such extreme tribulation so soon. As I'm typing this, I felt her presence, memories flipping over and the fact that I'd lost her forever. May this be the last time I shed my tears for you. Rest in peace, grandma.

Year 2010 meant nothing yet everything because I've found strength through torments, I've confronted what I felt throughout, I've learnt to take things wiser, I've met with a stroke of drama, and I've seen what beautiful endings are like. Been there, done that, behold of every picture happening in this place call life. I don't deny that a part of me refrained from telling people what I thought. I like to just keep them safe now. As long as there's still love and care, it doesn't matter whether if it is returned or not. Afterall it is the happiness of others that I'm contented with. Let forgiveness be the sweetest revenge. I've came to my sense that always to thine own self be true, that I need to nurtures every relationship and cherish the love of family before I even regret doing them all.

In memory of yours, I will be a better person. Let tonight be the last night to my disappointments and embrace a new year of awesomeness.