All she knows is the pain.

For some moments in life there are no words. At some point in our lives, much as we know the death is inevitable and that we never prepared to deal with the loss of a loved one. No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear until I witnessed even my headstrong daddy knelled in irrepressible tears. On a large enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero. I didn't let my heart snap when I first stepped into the funeral, I looked away. I avoided the truth laid before my eyes that it is just an ordinary ceremony. It soothed a little but soon reality starts to surface.

When I was a child, cousins and I used to stay along with grandma in the old place. We would play with charcoal and fire in the kitchen, hide and seek in her wooden cupboard, run down the street for sweets and made her buy a trolley of snacks when the breadman comes. She would cook for us every festive dinner without fail. When I was older, she would babysit and pampered me everyday after school until the age of 15. Later when they moved to the current place, my visits became lesser each week. Nevertheless she would still take care of me like I never grew. That's when I realized how I have been taking granted of her, how I never have the chance to pay back what was devoted by this old lady.

It was the last moment that hit me right on the spot. Everyone were in silence prayers when the band arrived with the most cheerful orchestra to send her off. Tears immediately flowed. One by one of the siblings broke down by the coffin. My grandpa struggled in the absence of sound. He yelled at the body violently that they had to pull him away. My heart swelled. I couldn't stop crying. What more when I see my own dad kneeling and weeping in his worst for his dead mother. It leaves a heartache no one can heal. The funeral was truly one saddest day in my life which I never imagined myself going through such extreme tribulation so soon. As I'm typing this, I felt her presence, memories flipping over and the fact that I'd lost her forever. May this be the last time I shed my tears for you. Rest in peace, grandma.

Year 2010 meant nothing yet everything because I've found strength through torments, I've confronted what I felt throughout, I've learnt to take things wiser, I've met with a stroke of drama, and I've seen what beautiful endings are like. Been there, done that, behold of every picture happening in this place call life. I don't deny that a part of me refrained from telling people what I thought. I like to just keep them safe now. As long as there's still love and care, it doesn't matter whether if it is returned or not. Afterall it is the happiness of others that I'm contented with. Let forgiveness be the sweetest revenge. I've came to my sense that always to thine own self be true, that I need to nurtures every relationship and cherish the love of family before I even regret doing them all.

In memory of yours, I will be a better person. Let tonight be the last night to my disappointments and embrace a new year of awesomeness.