All my life I've been good but now.

Time indeed flies.


March is coming to an end already. The miserable, warmheartedness, bittersweet days. I had this intense, emotional dream last Saturday that felt insanely real where I've woken up crying. I could hear myself sobbing so hard in the dream and then realizing tears tangibly rolled down my cheeks. This morning I woke up on another depressing note, as I was napping in the car to work, the very last scene of grandma's funeral came by. The aching teared me down. I guess that's the twinge of losing someone you really loved. The pain never dies.


I wished I could have forget all about work tonight, and never have bring home this nasty emotion that is affecting the whole of me. Funny how a happy clappy Friday turned fugly. This emoeness is flipping my heart out. Watching Autumn Concerto again tonight definitely brought memories back. The awesomest show that made me cry over every episode. I'd always missed him from afar, but tonight I think I miss him a little more than usual. Because I'd lost the spirit to continue walking alone. Because I'd lost the stronger soul inside of mine. Because I don't know what can I do at this moment to fight pangs.


This melancholy stays for quite a while. Enough said.




Ordinary working days.



Something that cures the heartache, temporary.



Not too bad for a birthday buffet. Cheap and nice. :)



Coupon spree in the office.



No more using keyboard next week. Getting my office laptop after 4 months!



McDonald's Big Breakfast partay. :)



Random yamcha session with the boss.



Premium lunch at Pao Xiang, Pavillion. THE MOST EXPENSIVE BAK KUT TEH I'VE EVER EATEN LOR. Thank you ElayneC! :D



Super pork ribs.



Best take away dessert! ♥



Especially love the fresh seeham, yummeh!


After a fucked up day, or rather still a fucked up night, I just want to ignore and indulge in my own world. Have your day today. I'll take your tomorrow away.
*** Photo courtesy of Iphone4, HTC Desire, LG Optimus & Samsung Galaxy S.

Born this way.

My weekend is ending too fast!

Hello abandoned blog. I missed the beauty of doing nothing at home seriously. The amount of pleasure this 'doing nothing' brought to me was simply inestimable, such enjoyment I would want to embrace during my off days. I like to just sleep in, have some homely food and do the usual drama marathon. Stay home rocks! But conversely, this dreadful state of being lifeless must end.

Of yummeh dim sum and visiting at Nirvana last weekend. Up as early as 7am with the bunch of cousins and literally dragging our sleepiness for good.



Then all the way to this awesome curry laksa! Too awesome.
And later surviving through the not so awesome weather with mouth full of desserts!



Believe it or not, Mahjong has now became an addictive part of my life. My Saturdays are mostly spent playing them at the grandparent's, chit chatting and gaming with the kids. As most people would think this routine of mine is pathetic, I think I'm perfectly fine to endure in their warmth.

What to say about my third month of work? I always thought that my career is currently in its right place, but lately I find no understanding to describe my current state of mind. I even foresee myself letting up these exotic phrases about two weeks ago, but right now it's taking all my strength just to keep going. I am conscious of the irony of giving up but I do think abstinence is the right thing for me at the moment. I had my deck done over the weekend oh well let's just hope for a better tomorrow.


So here's a small update so far. Looking forward to next weekend, already. :)

Do you ever feel so paper thin.

When you're lost in those woods, it sometimes takes you a while to realize that you are lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you've just wandered a few feet off the path, that you'll find your way back to the trailhead any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are, and it's time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don't even know from which direction the sun rises anymore.

I'll move on.




Post CNY, Mandrew's belated birthday surprise and Interactive polaroid mission.



The most impressive bunny Lou Sang in office today! Auntie Soop Chin taught me on the Yee Sang preparation and there I went cutting, chopping and grating the ingredients, and busily arranging for our 'red' party this evening on behalf of Sports Club.




Bonus and ang pao from Leo Burnett! :)


Essentially, things are generally better off this week. I must have mentioned this before but sometimes it seems that my values are worthless. I hope it is just me thinking too much and everything before is going to dissolve like a dream. Maybe that is why, I've been given a second chance to revive myself in the coming storms. Nervous as it is, may this be a new beginning to all catastrophe.

Drifting through the wind across the sky.

Time flies. I could remember vividly how joy and laughter filled the grandparent's each year when it comes to lunar year celebration. But I thought things changed differently this year. Although everyone's back in the house but I felt the heart misplaced; isn't the genuine happiness I'm looking for. I'm angry that God took her away from us; I'm mad at the fact that we'd lost the togetherness. It's ruthlessly unfair to witness how everything is falling to pieces and becoming seemingly awkward in the family. Nevertheless, we still had a peaceful reunion and some cheery time throughout the idling week.

Light-hearted discoveries aside, the dismal incident has turned my passion at work altogether. The guilt haunts, and still haunting. Here, there, everywhere. I take more pressures in little things I do at work nowadays, maybe I don't fit the job any longer. I know it's a little too early to say this... perhaps I never belong. It took me more than a week now to end the misery but damnit, I'd really lost aim in my career. Everyone have been telling me it's human nature to go through bad patches in life and that no one is perfect. Just so you know, I liked to think that I'm overly sensitive to be caught in the entire situation.

Towards the latter, then I think to myself, let's just make the most of what we have and simply be as useful as I can be for the time being. Will bunny ever unfold what life is folding on the other side?

I bite my lip not to scream.

Sometimes on very ordinary days, I would really wish things to end ordinarily. I screwed up horribly, leaving my whole team distraught and struggling in difficulties. When sorry isn't the word to say anymore, the guilt of my life struck. It was a complete disaster that I do not know how to forgive myself to this. If only I know how to mend this awful mistake of mine I wouldn't have been such a let down. The anxiety is cracking me up... I beg for a solution. Please tell me what to do. I'm willing to pay this failure at any cost.

My very, very truly sincere apology to all. Now please save me already.

Talking to the moon.

Off day oh so blissful.

Today I'm feeling quite contented, it's a feeling I haven't felt for a long time. My disappearance since the new year had me realized how much things changed in a short span of life. It was only some weeks ago that I wrote here how awesome my life is transforming but at a certain point now, I doubt how reality is treating me. This January has been difficult, way too difficult that I succumbed to despair many times. Is it just me or how everything else is turning poor? I miss the boys like crazy, it's the least I can do for having such disgustingly great lives.

While I'm wallowing in depression and self deprecation, I have an impulsive thought of quitting what I'm currently doing. Some excruciating pressures that I cannot overcome. Soft feelings that made my heart fluttered so wildly. I'm pretty abnormal already. On a second thought, it's rather impossible to give up such a pleasant opportunity unless the company decided to terminate my employment. Which apparently the ongoing conflicts in our office is driving everyones nerve to an extend. This would be the beginning of all drama I believe.

Sometimes I think I have lost all ability to feel anything except bitter. We often meet people who are just like the blenders, ruthlessly, they cut, chop, dice, slice, whirl and swirl until everything that goes in it comes out as an unrecognizable puree. And because my dad just bought a blender home instead of a cake mixer that I requested, I somehow have this very strange kind of apprehension as I look into the blender. Something very dismal, and one that culminates in this noon of silence.

My mind is whining too much lately, as if the brain had filtered all my thoughts into negative. With CNY approaching, none of our families are celebrating this jolly occasion. Very pessimistic that CNY is not going to be CNY for us this year, then again, it's the Chinese custom that we have to obey anyway. So fairly, I haven't gone for any festive shopping last year end/this year which sums up pathetically. For all I know, I've been wearing jeans to work practically everyday, improper makeups and unkempt hair. Sigh in dire need of a total makeover. I seriously need to stop being low spirits and start fresh!

...what has become a very recognizable circle of emotions