Sing a sad song just to turn it around.

One minute you're flying..
The next, you're engulfed in darkness..
One minute your life's the perfect fairytale..
The next, it's the perfect nightmare..

Someone commented on my style of writing and said the way I express myself.. changed.

I really wished I could express every single bit of my feelings in here but I can't seems to put them all in words. I don't understand why, therefore I can't explain why. It's just a feeling. As different as the situation looks, the feeling remains. Nothing is as what it seems. On the outside, you see the joy, the laughter, the happiness. But delve deeper in, you'll find none of that. You'll find a feeling that's cold and empty, one you'd never thought would exist in such a situation, but it's true. You forced yourself to smile. You faked your smile.

I've got a million and one thing in my mind every night that are just jumbled up inside. So many thoughts.. so many feelings.. so many emotions.. and everything's happening at the same time. It almost feels like a daily routine. Happy early morning, stressful mid-morning, tiring afternoon, moody evening and depressing nights.

You fall down so hard that you can no longer stand up on your own. You've lost the ability to look on the bright side of life. You want to lock yourself up in a dark room.. away from the world you now see so cruel. You can't predict what will happen next, so you're afraid. You're afraid to take one step after the other. Afraid of taking one wrong turn and winding up even more lost than you already were before.

What seemed so right before, seems so wrong now. What you used to believe in, now false. Who you used to trust, you trust no more. Who you used to love, love you less. Who you used to depend on, has ran away from your side. What you thought would last forever, fades away like morning mist as the day goes on.

There are nights I just can't stop crying, days I can't stop thinking, moments where time seems slower, and other moments that seem too fast that I just can't keep up with the pace. Many a time I've felt the urge to breakdown, scream my lungs out, escape. There's no way out of whatever load of crap I'm in, there's no way of forgetting whatever it is I'm thinking of.

You know that feeling as if everything's caving in on you? You're just enclosed in one tight, dark space. You don't have enough space to breathe. You can't find your way out. How about that feeling.. is like everyone's moving ahead of you, but you're still glued to the same spot. Everyone's moving further and further away, and as hard as you try to catch up, you just can't. And just when you think you've finally caught up, you trip over a stone.. and it's back to phase 1. No one else is gonna help you achieve.. you're on your own.. and it feels like shit.. bullshit.

I can't see why I'm staying when I've already lost track of what I was holding onto. It all boils down to nothing. Do you know how it feels like when it all comes down to nothing?

I stayed. I hoped. I waited.
I'm afraid. Afraid I'll miss out if I walk away. Afraid I'll miss it when it walks by.

You won't realize how fast time has passed you till you've been brought back to the past. I've been thinking a lot about the past year and the new year. Considering how 2008 has been and how 2009 going to be. Going into 2008, I never imagined all the things that happened would happen. If there's anything I've learnt, is that in one year, a whole lot can happen. A whole lot. I've seen much pain and loss in the past year. Many, many changes. Many unexpected things. I've cried for both myself and for those I love.

For me, 2008 has been a year of life.
Because life happened for me in 2008.
I cried tears I never thought I would cry, seen things I never thought I would see and felt things I never thought I would feel.

I'm afraid of what another year might bring. Simply because 2008 has shown me that a year can bring A LOT. I dare not face the possibilities in 2009. And because of that also, I wasn't and still am clueless about how I feel about the new year.

No doubt, 2008 has been a year to remember.
And it has been an incredible year in both the good and bad ways.

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Was in Education Fair yesterday, spending hours figuring my pre-graduation plan. I've not made up my mind yet though, but I've got this sudden urge to further my studies abroad. Aussie would be my first priority, if not probably I'll be settling down in Singapore this year. We'll see how things go..

Months turn into weeks that turn into days, that turn into hours, that turn into minutes and eventually seconds..

Finals in 3 more days believe it or not I haven't started studying a bit. The thing is, I can't concentrate and stay focus AT ALL. THREE theory-based papers within 5 days. How awesome is that going to be. =)

"No matter how gifted, you alone cannot change the world."