Painlessly.

Sunday is almost over. I'm going through a diagnostic period where my psychiatric illness is deteriorating wildly. I have this feeling of doom every night, I can't see more than a week into my future. Most nights I reach home exhausted, didn't even bother changing and crawl into bed. When I finally have the time to pause for a moment, tears came rolling out involuntarily. I often find myself crying in a corner like any other sick baby. I feel numb. I feel weak. I feel small. I feel so tiny I wished I could step on myself. This classic meltdown has been a pathetic routine.

As I stared out at the foggy evening, nothing really stays don't they? Clouds turning grey, thunder echoing each other, raindrops falling onto everywhere. Today was one of those days when everything felt so right except me. Every morning I wake up thinking, I have to push myself further, I have to prove that I'm stronger, I have to do better than yesterday. Many times I fall flat and get shoot down with no regards. And then I have to start all over again, setting the bar even higher and pushing myself even harder the next day. What is life when every single detail and essence of life itself has been squeezed out into mundane, orderly, stressful, pressured decisions. When will I wake up and live freely?

It's been years. People have started asking already. Why am I still alone?

Because I believe if somethings are meant to be, it will eventually happen. In the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason. Apparently breaking up had done a lot of pain, it affected me more than I thought it would. I'm glad I took the time to understand myself. I'm glad I took the time to heal. I'm glad I took the time to think what I want. I'm glad I took the time to see and accept how we will never be. I'm glad I took all the time to be able to move on. Definitely sad and disappointed, but I know for a fact that I have accepted everything that has happened in the past and that I never regretted him in my life.

I know I have put the past behind me and really live a little. Neither that, I will not rush a relationship. I know there will be another him somewhere out there for me again. At the time being I'm not sure what to feel having his silly presence on my solitary nights, but I want to be confused with him. :)

Don't go chasing waterfalls.

Happiest 5 days I would ever yearn for! When life only revolves around sleeping, eating, lazing, shopping and hanging out. It's incredible awesome to leave the work affair aside (yes, I freaking avoided my responsibilities) and start living like an ordinary human being. Definitely feels good to be no where near crappy and shitty. Nothing exotic for the holiday but it's purely about the joy of spending quality time with family and friends that made everything worthwhile.

Sometimes I like to think that it is human nature to walk through a job with utter fear and loathing. I hate it when anxiety does not allow me to have any confidence in my abilities and often afraid of messing up. I have serious trouble gauging whether I suffer from a genuine mental disorder or plainly being in the wrong job. But heck, after much chaos and great confusion I agreed to stay on a little longer. Not affected with promotion and increment tho, partly, but I decided to be strong and give another try. Honestly I don't leave because things are hard, but because it's not worth my sacrifices. Oh well, hopefully things turn differently.

At the very least, I wish low stress for the coming days. I needa stop worrying.

Counting down to three (:

No heartstrings attached.

In the midst of sleep deprived and emotionally unsorted. Tough week, very tough week. Not too surprise to be at work on a Sunday, chipping the weekend away in office with a cuppa coffee, Jco doughnuts and replying to more emails. I'm so exhausted that I can't wait to get this campaign out and fricking sleep my ass off. SLEEP MY ASS OFF YOU HEAR THAT. If only there is an easy way out I would die for it.

While everyone out there is busy celebrating the moms, showing love and affections they needed most - I'm stuck typing on this miserable page, listening to miserable songs and revising miserable jobs. Even though my mom won't be reading this (maybe you are reading), I just want to say I love you mommy, for all your selfless sacrifices and love, because I know one day, some way or another, your daughter will make you proud and worthy.

Bunch of stuff to whine about oh boy, next time.

Let the rain wash away all the pain of yesterday.

It's been insane at work; life has never been this tough on me.

What is life when you have to go to work feeling pressured every minute of the day? What is life when you have to fucking cry over every other stressful night? What is life when you have to give your everything and in return, that everything turns fugly and shitty for good? Oh god, have mercy. You don't fucking blame and file complaint on a 3 months old servicing when you don't even know that person in the first place. I'm pissed and disappointed, not because I have to learn the hard way, but because these people look down on a 'kid' even before knowing what I'm capable of, and literally putting me to invisible. Does the word 'fair' even exist?

As much as I hate doing this account, the learning was an expensive gain. It's ridiculous to even believe that I actually survived within the entire process. Many times I wanted to give up, never wanting to live in such torturous workplace but at the end of the day, I have the most supportive team that amazed me to tears. The amount of guidance and dedication showered were extensive to made it through the hysterical turnaround. I won't go about bastardizing the brand, but hey, look at the commitment a 'kid' can give before you fucking judge.

The next thing on my plate now is definitely scaring the shit outta me - one of the largest companies listed on Bursa Malaysia. I had a mixture of feelings when my chief director personally assigned me to this account right after the announcement of LB winning the pitch - fearful, joyful, hateful, dreadful etc. Why me? Apparently I started on a panic note, taking over the deck with zero knowledge and within the next hours, I'm already there sitting in front of my client in a freaking tee, jeans and sneakers, wearing no makeup wtf.

One hell of a hectic week to roll this particular account. It's almost crazy to spend nights in office, rushing off like headless chicken, running on back-to-back meeting, and literally forgetting that familiar smell of homes! It has been a difficult and emotionally tumultuous couple of weeks now. I'm very displaced; neglecting the world around me and occasionally creating a surreal fantasy to sleep in. Sad truth but this is what I do when faced with anything realistic. Sometimes I feel so exhausted that I just want to wrap everything up and give them all away. I guess in this place and state of mind it's sufficient to say that I should prove myself one last time before giving up on the dot.

Feeling so alone on this late evening (with sad songs looping on my playlist fml). I wonder if it is possible for the heart to melt away into something pure and undisturbed, because void at night I tend to fill them with all kind of sadness. Oh well. Another month is drawing to a close as I write this. Words no more describe how distraught it makes me feel to notice how far away I've shifted from the person I thought I was. Not until I arrive at a conclusion.

Please fast forward the coming week kthxbai.

All my life I've been good but now.

Time indeed flies.


March is coming to an end already. The miserable, warmheartedness, bittersweet days. I had this intense, emotional dream last Saturday that felt insanely real where I've woken up crying. I could hear myself sobbing so hard in the dream and then realizing tears tangibly rolled down my cheeks. This morning I woke up on another depressing note, as I was napping in the car to work, the very last scene of grandma's funeral came by. The aching teared me down. I guess that's the twinge of losing someone you really loved. The pain never dies.


I wished I could have forget all about work tonight, and never have bring home this nasty emotion that is affecting the whole of me. Funny how a happy clappy Friday turned fugly. This emoeness is flipping my heart out. Watching Autumn Concerto again tonight definitely brought memories back. The awesomest show that made me cry over every episode. I'd always missed him from afar, but tonight I think I miss him a little more than usual. Because I'd lost the spirit to continue walking alone. Because I'd lost the stronger soul inside of mine. Because I don't know what can I do at this moment to fight pangs.


This melancholy stays for quite a while. Enough said.




Ordinary working days.



Something that cures the heartache, temporary.



Not too bad for a birthday buffet. Cheap and nice. :)



Coupon spree in the office.



No more using keyboard next week. Getting my office laptop after 4 months!



McDonald's Big Breakfast partay. :)



Random yamcha session with the boss.



Premium lunch at Pao Xiang, Pavillion. THE MOST EXPENSIVE BAK KUT TEH I'VE EVER EATEN LOR. Thank you ElayneC! :D



Super pork ribs.



Best take away dessert! ♥



Especially love the fresh seeham, yummeh!


After a fucked up day, or rather still a fucked up night, I just want to ignore and indulge in my own world. Have your day today. I'll take your tomorrow away.
*** Photo courtesy of Iphone4, HTC Desire, LG Optimus & Samsung Galaxy S.

Born this way.

My weekend is ending too fast!

Hello abandoned blog. I missed the beauty of doing nothing at home seriously. The amount of pleasure this 'doing nothing' brought to me was simply inestimable, such enjoyment I would want to embrace during my off days. I like to just sleep in, have some homely food and do the usual drama marathon. Stay home rocks! But conversely, this dreadful state of being lifeless must end.

Of yummeh dim sum and visiting at Nirvana last weekend. Up as early as 7am with the bunch of cousins and literally dragging our sleepiness for good.



Then all the way to this awesome curry laksa! Too awesome.
And later surviving through the not so awesome weather with mouth full of desserts!



Believe it or not, Mahjong has now became an addictive part of my life. My Saturdays are mostly spent playing them at the grandparent's, chit chatting and gaming with the kids. As most people would think this routine of mine is pathetic, I think I'm perfectly fine to endure in their warmth.

What to say about my third month of work? I always thought that my career is currently in its right place, but lately I find no understanding to describe my current state of mind. I even foresee myself letting up these exotic phrases about two weeks ago, but right now it's taking all my strength just to keep going. I am conscious of the irony of giving up but I do think abstinence is the right thing for me at the moment. I had my deck done over the weekend oh well let's just hope for a better tomorrow.


So here's a small update so far. Looking forward to next weekend, already. :)