First thing first, I am feeling a little nostalgic at the moment. It's funny but I haven't been as optimistic as I once was over the past months, which explains the death of emotions in this space. These days I'm content just drinking things in with the eyes, and don't feel the same need to tell or show anyone what I saw. Most of the time I like to just be quiet and be far away into my own thoughts. Because literally I don't quite know what to say anymore.
It's a strange feeling. I'm perpetually feeling like I'm out of my element and drifting away. Perhaps my most consequential handicap is my inability to make choices and never look back. Such certainty and self-confidence seems almost fictional to me sometimes. Watching 'Growing Through Life' reflects so much of life stories. It reminds me of what best relationships are - the ones with obligations that don't feel like obligations, where so much is instinctively understood that not much needs to be said.
I'm often surprised that I'm still surprised but my application for one just keeps bouncing. I constantly tried to wipe things out but still annoying little traces remain. I think I've paid enough penance to let those traces evaporate by its own. I lost my way, being gashed at by people whom I trusted with my entire heart, stopped trusting altogether for awhile, and forgot how to numb myself to things that just weren't worth it. It was a set of blinders that threw me down a direction that just wasn't meant for me. I got very scared.
Life is contradicting. It wraps around us like a scarf, distracting us from what we think we know, luring us into its lair, confusing us, confounding trust, and then one day it just leaves. It is utterly surreal how everything is inflated in such a short period and upside down. My heart has been irreverently displaced by something seemed so harmless in the beginning. Never knew it can cause this load of damage to oneself. I was angry, and hated that part brutally but I've officially come to a point where it's all no longer worth the anger and hatred. I like to tell myself that everything is just alright.
Evidently, this is a completely awful trade. I don't mind being foolish at all time, but what I truly mind is the idea of sincerity, the initiative, the appreciation. It is the importance of making it day in and day out that counts. This is something I really care about which resulted why I always fall into deeply knit relationships with people around me. Very often, I invest too much of affections into a certain bounder of circle and then leaving them to marinate for too long; thus losing control of how to slip them off me. I'm very disappointed with my own ineffectiveness and lack of resilience.
God determines who walks into your life. It is up to you to decide who you let to walk away, who you let to stay, and who you refuse to let go. Oh well, just another long rant to clear things off my chest. But apparently this rant will go nowhere because for sure, there are still complications that I'm not over with yet. Just the other day we came to a disagreement with the school regarding our studies, they sucked. It's sickening to hear promises that does not give me any reassurance; do I need to crack my whole life to have just a please ending? Oh god, have mercy.
I had a blissful mid semester break fighting away misery for a bit; meeting up with people from all over the places. Last weekend I had my best time spent with Nell, Rae, Laurent and few others doing raya hopping. It was my pleasure to have such honor privilege even as a former intern to be able to join them socially. Then catching up with two of my closest buddy, the group of animals and the not-so-cheebye brothers consecutively. Just today Alson and I made a trip down to Leo Burnett with a handful of our homemade chocolate cupcakes and had lunch with the most hilarious bunch of colleagues.
I missed pillow fighting with the guys in game room. I missed random coffee time with my superiors. I missed poking on the 50 cents vending machine. I missed playing with Andrew's bb gun and making fun of Delex's collection. I missed slacking my ass and wandering in the office. I missed how Nell pampered me everyday and bullied me with care. I missed being her full time assistant even with sleepless night. It's incredibly weird to be so emotional about a job, what more a really short two-month thing, but I actually felt so much attachment to it. It's been an awesome journey so far and they shall continue...
It was the wake up call that I really needed.
